Indie Writers' Deathmatch III

Round One: 2010/01/18 - 2010/01/25
Jordan Abel's Three Dudes, Some Drugs, and a Bear (61%)
defeats Ben Anderson's Cortez the Killer (39%)

Round Two: 2010/01/25 - 2010/02/01
Amy Dupcak's Bloodsport (55%)
defeats Stephen Thomas' Flight (45%)

Round Three: 2010/02/01 - 2010/02/07
Patrick Horner's The Fishermen and the Goose (52%)
defeats Dorianne Emmerton's A Day By The Lake (48%)

Round Four: 2010/02/07 - 2010/02/15
Nelson Eshleman's Gotta Be Another Way (59%)
defeats Kate Story's Skirt Event (41%)

Round Five: 2010/02/15 - 2010/02/22
Jordan Abel's Three Dudes, Some Drugs, and a Bear (50.5%)
defeats Amy Dupcak's Bloodsport (49.5%)

Round Six: 2010/02/22 - 2010/02/28
Nelson Eshleman's Gotta Be Another Way (69%)
defeats Patrick Horner's The Fishermen and the Goose (31%)

Round Seven: 2010/02/28 - 2010/03/08
Nelson Eshleman's Gotta Be Another Way (83%)
defeats Jordan Abel's Three Dudes, Some Drugs, and a Bear (17%)

It's all over. It's all Eshleman. We salute the Deathmatch 2010 champion.
The Deathmatch will return.

Three Dudes, Some Drugs, and a Bear
by Jordan Abel

Gotta Be Another Way
by Nelson Eshleman

By the time the acid took hold, we were halfway to Edmonton. Tommy rode shotgun, a cigarette dangling from his dry lips, and Bear scrunched in the back seat, shifting constantly. Johansson, our first year roommate, had called us on his cell a few hours ago, breathing heavily, saying that he needed to get out, that everything had gone wrong.

"Talk to me, Joe," I had said.

"Stay back, you fuckers! Stay back!"

"What the fuck, Joe? Is this a joke?"

We burned through the prairie night--ours eyes twisted; our skulls hollowed. Tommy flicked his cigarette out the window and lit another one. Tommy and Johansson had been the closest out of all of us, but that wasn't saying much. They had gone to the same high school and were on the same hockey team at one point, but they didn't really hang out until we all lived together. Other than that, none of us had really heard all that much from Johansson for three years.

"One more time," Bear said. "Exactly what did he say?"

"I don't know, Bear. He told someone to stay back and then there was some yelling, some crashing--some craziness ensuing," I said.

Bear chuckled and shook his head. "Fuck me."

Tommy twisted back to look at Bear. "Dudes, I just realized something. Something very important." Tommy had been quiet since we got the phone call, but he sounded mellow now, relaxed.

"It's all going to be okay," Tommy said.

"This is what you realized?" Bear said.

Tommy raised an eyebrow and slowly tapped his nose.

"Where were you an hour ago?" Bear said.

"In another world, my friend. In another world."

We had been out camping when Johansson called us. I was maintaining the fire, strategically balancing the logs so that they formed a pyramid, and Tommy was lounging on the folding chair, a bottle of tequila glued to his hand. We had just been chilling, waiting for Bear to get back from the river with dinner, when my cell...

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vs

It was round about the time Winthorpe Power Corp. posted its $500,000 reward that my public spirit kicked in. I didn't set the blasting caps on the Dyno Nobel Vibrogel that blew up four electrical shacks halting construction for two months on the nuclear plant project at Pettifer Lake. I simply told the police who did it.

While at first blush this might seem a blemish on the vigour of the 800 strong members of the Integrated National Security Enforcement Team, let's give credit where credit is due. The police solved the crime. Circulated the rambling threat letter that was sent to three local newspapers in the week immediately prior to a highly incompetent series of explosions. Then they put up the pictures of nine possible suspects taken by a closed circuit camera in the post office where the letter was mailed.

The media solved the crime. Published the pictures and the letter and then proceeded to interview every man, woman and three-legged moose within forty miles of Pettifer Lake in a rush to get their scoop: "Mad Bomber on the Loose."

This intrigued me. I mean, how big can Pettifer Lake be, right?

And you know what I'm capable of. You've watched me now for five years turn your blogs upside down with stunning dexterity to get to the truth. For fun I've researched all manner of benign questions from standoffish old hens who preach internet safety to pubescent daughters all the while as they leave their own windows open and their pants down around their ankles. "You sick bastard," you're saying. I do you for free, imagine what I'd do for five hundred thousand patchoulies.

I always wanted to use that word. I blog at night under a maze of different aliases from a computer in my mother's basement. By day, I'm an investigator in a bank. I also work for secret service. Theirs, not yours.

Ah! "Crackpot!" you're saying. CSIS wannabe. We rejected him ten years ago, he sent his application in by mail. ...

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Final Votes: 17%

Final Votes: 83%

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Derek Winkler - 2010/08/16
Look for the Deathmatch to return when the new year buries the old. We will mark our fresh calendars with bloody X\'s.

x.30.x - 2010/08/16
When does this celibacy of celebrity collagolate itself again??

Wanderer - 2010/04/21
No. Cutthroat is right. This page has served its purpose. In fact, as far as I'm concerned, this whole deathmatch forum has served its purpose. Bye, now.

x.30.x - 2010/04/20
"Voting Works!!" The "Full Nelson" has taken Marija into 6th place...."Carry on, Carry on...he will never leave". Wanderer, thunk I discovered Eshleman's wannabe next topic, after the Trilogy. Cheers

x.30.x - 2010/04/19
..probably got confused watching the curling this past weekend in Dawson at the "Encana Center". Besides, Eshleman is doing a "Full Nelson" trying to get votes out for a music contest!

conspiracy theorist - 2010/04/18
...well, the computerized typewritten version does do away with those troublesome handwriting comparisons...i'd call it the "Revenge of the Copycats"...the real bomber lost heart months ago...

x.30.x - 2010/04/18
More letters to the Dawson Creek Newspaper from the "Peep-Bomber" this week...Eshleman concocting a "Trilogy"???...soon to be released as a Movie "The Adventures of Todd and Weibo".

CUTTHROAT - 2010/04/02
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bUexXdKThQ

Wanderer - 2010/04/01
Startlingly sweet, Nelson. "Good news" and "bad news" have no meaning except within the context of a real purpose, an aim that is our own, not one foisted upon us. But, nevertheless, you might want to take note of how everything screeched to a stop here, when I took the liberty of suggesting that all YOU want is to forget the whole lot of us...

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/04/01
http://www.laphamsquarterly.org/voices-in-time/kurt-vonnegut-at-the-blackboard.php?page=1

Wanderer - 2010/03/29
Oh, hey, Nelson, please, let me save you the trouble of posting this yourself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcWBlvbYwH8 You're welcome.

juror#13 - 2010/03/29
sounds vaguely familiar though....?

juror#13 - 2010/03/29
... best short story yet, CT. : )

Wanderer - 2010/03/29
Who's Maggie, Nelson, and why does she score 500G? Re: "Get a room:" Nelson, just because people like to talk with each other occasionally, DOESN'T mean they want to boink each other, or that they EVER WILL, okay?? There are NO grounds whatsoever for that remark. After all, Thom talks to YOU, too, doesn't he?? In the words of great-aunt Vicky, "We are not amused."

x.30.x - 2010/03/29
Conspiracy Theorist... #1..ask for health 'referral' first. #2..shoot the Doctor. "Agent Orange" also works. Maps supplied at the corner of Pleasant and Waterloo? Grande Prairie huh? That makes some sense now!

x.30.x - 2010/03/29
Overstepped my bounds with a true story, no regrets. My apologies. Anybody want to hear about my DUI now? Cheers

x.30.x - 2010/03/29
Wanderer and CT; attached is a true story. Is there something possible here for Deathmatch? I saw marvelous possibilities of Horner's Story. I'll start #2 CT!! U dawg! (btw. they need wider pages for this shit!) "Subject: Tommy and the Tooth Fairy Recent queries seem to demand an underview of the Alberta Health System and Tommys Medical Interpretation for several interested folks. As known by several (mostly the golfers), Tommy has been an incessant complainer about some aggravation of chest pain and, mostly, muscle spasms (please use term 'muscle' sparingly here) for a couple of years now. Examples were glorious times in Kelowna, open warfare with firepits and Kimberly due to good, clean living and a belief in the after-life (or, gravity will stop that fall). Previous experiences had kept Robax Platinum and some neato pain killers a very good 'stock-buy' for the investing public. Anyways...I had a bout of the 'spasms' (left side only) for 3 days just after Christmas, which I thought was normal and controllable. Well!...it wasn't as I got some massive ones! So, I contacted one of my loving daughters suggesting that perhaps I required some help. It was either this, or throw my face through the living room window to ease the pain. Erin arrives at the house, and after we decide that the EMS doesn't do house calls for a shot of Demerol, we find a phone number for "Non-Emergency Medical Aid" in Calgary as I wanted this to be on the "QT". Well shit...within 3 minutes, the Fire Department arrives with flashers flashing and sirens sirening...followed by the Ambulance with flashers flashing and sirens sirening. Of course, Erin went to school with several of the arriving caregivers so they're happily remembering old times while they pick and prod! And it's off to Foothills Hospital we go. Foothills is a rather large Hospital.....so 10 hours in the ER Waiting Room is expected, writhing in pain, where English is definitely a second language, but I finally get a bed. A few hours later, they give me a 'vanilla' X-Ray when I am then quickly admitted to Ward 7 (Trauma and post-OP). Morphine and Percocets ensue to which I quickly become a big-fan of. They put me into Room 728-2. Unfortunately, there is also a bed # 728-1 which is dwelled by 'Mary', a 650 pound woman whom has recently had a cancerous growth removed from one of her 250 pound legs. Well, Mary doesn't like anyone, especially hospital orderlies, whom she denigrates 24/7 as being dirty foreigners and describes them with the "N" word constantly. This is only outdone by her dislike of all nurses not at her beck and call within 25 seconds, only to be outdone by her spigots of crying to relatives about why she is ill-done by...and especially complaints to her doctor about the incompetency of the Residents attending to her care. Little does Mary understand that her residents are part of her Doctor's Team! In her moment of "Dream-On", Mary explains to her doctor that her leg-muscles will help her heal....to which, her doctor explains to her that her legs are 250 pounds of fat each (Doctor is rather perturbed by this time!) and don't have any muscle and that this may not be possible. By this time, the Nurses, orderlies and I are having some chuckles about Mary's collective abuse to lighten the vile air. This collective abuse is surmounted by Mary's propensity to defecate and urinate in her bed, rather than the washroom which is 10' away, and then demand for the nurses to clean up her bed at 3 am as just a 'side-show'! Mary only lasted my room mate for 2 nights. It was after Mary's departure that the Hospital Staff and myself decided that "The Darwin Award" is a good thing and we lit candles each evening for Mary's well-being. Fortunately, my next two room-mates (Jugo-retired plumber prof from SAIT and Brian-electrician from Ft. McMurray; an interesting story each) were great guys and we gave whatever staff available some good chuckles (assuming that they got our sense of humour as they laughed at the appropriate times). Next day, I am on a zero intake of food and a diet of Colyte; a wonderful 5 gallon concoction (supposed to taste like pineapple but closer to unleavened bullfrog piss) to cleanse my erring soul for an intestinal lobotomy. After ingesting and subsequent "firehoses" on the latrine - the colonoscopy is cancelled. THIS HAPPENED 5 SEPARATE TIMES TO ME IN THE FOLLOWING DAYS!! While this "Input-Output" occurs, I get some red-dye #3 for a CT Scan......this discovers that I have been bleeding internally for quite a long time from a lacerated and burst spleen and have mass of something upon my stomach (first diagnosis is malignant which is re-evaluated as something else, still unknown) and that there is a large fluid mass between my diaphram and my pleural muscle of my lung which has probably caused the pain for many months. Geezus!...a "diaphram"!, and I don't even own a prostate! So, back to no food and for Colyte #2 & #3.....followed by "cancelled" endoscopy and colonoscopy.....but more red dye #3 and another CT Scan. Oddly, they didn't do an MRI so must have concluded that my brain had already left by way of the Colyte drainage system installed. By this time, the 16 viles of blood work each day (they preferred needle tracks rather than a 'screw-top') state that my haemoglobin is 25% what it should be and the oxygen intake is 73% when it should be 94%+.....so I get a couple of blood transfusions (Good news here!...I finally find out after 60 years what the hell my blood type is!...A-Positive, whatever that means). So, the next morning, I can't breath at all and they suspect a blood clot on my lung and a mobile X-Ray machine comes to my bed (a false alarm and pneumonia becomes their next best guess which also loses its enamour). After, a bowl of pears...am back on no food intake and Colyte #4 (I suggested that an IV might save on using straws)....followed by "cancelled" endoscopy and colonoscopy...so, they thought that they would try X-Ray #4 thinking that perhaps I had moved. By this time, I am on a first name basis with my over-seer Doctor whom I refer to as "Doctor House". Ian Anderson is Head of Surgery at Foothills with an entourage of Doctors (who's favourite saying is "Yes Sir")....and, of course, his prime understudy, Dr. Paul McBeath, went to school with my daughter Erin (remember Erin?). The following day is special though!.....the lung specialists stick a 4" needle in my back (I should have told them that a 4" needle might actually be used to darn the front of my hospital garb) and drain off about 2 litres of the fluid between the diaphram and the pleural (Just great!...another 2 pounds lost from my eviscerating body!). Trust me, all fluids removed from the body looks like un-fermented beer. Finally, the next day of Colyte #5 is HUGE!.....they do the Endoscopy AND the Colonoscopy at the same time....a completely painless and unknown procedure to me when the really, really good drugs in my IV click in! The next, next day.....they inform me that the colonoscopy camera got 'stuck' at one of the intestinal 'round-a-bouts' (an intestine which got kind of confused during my early childhood....sister Cath may remember this in Chatham where Dr. Lee said that it would straighten itself out over time..it didn't) BUT NOW I'm in for something even better! And this is where this 'story' began!.......Repair your errant ways heathens! and Don't ever go to prison with big black guys!.....BECAUSE, A Barium Enema will make your farts swim for dear life! You couldn't even find a dildo on eBay as big! After 25+ X-Rays....the Specialist told me that I "done real good" and that he can guarantee me that I don't have colon cancer! I thanked him profusely for the good news and reminded him that I wasn't in there for colon cancer but for a busted spleen. They sent me home the next day.....with nothing accomplished (you know?...something like?....take my damn spleen out will ya and stop the bleeding?). Anyways, I'm due back in March for more CT Scans to see if I'm still alive, moulting or dead with a forwarding address. For the golfers in the crowd = maybe playing or maybe not this year; although I do want to play in the 50th anniversary of the CSPG for my last time. Regardless, my admiration of the Health Professionals and how they can even keep a large Hospital running remains at the highest level. Cheers and gracious thanks of concern and kindness. Thom Bainbridge p.s. Hospital Food's 'Rep' is well deserved....on my one evening of being allowed food, I ordered...roast beef, gravy, mashed potatoes, beans....they actually delivered "IT" but forgot the gravy, mashed potatoes, beans part and the single piece of beef had #10b stenciled on the bottom." WINKLER, NO VOTES PLEASE!...only memories of a grand time.

x.30.x - 2010/03/29
CT...Are you #1 or #2 "conspiracy theorist"? Good on ya'mate! Can't answer for Wanderer (we don't live together, maybe have some laughs though?), but I wanted to try a continuum...as the door was left open at "Deathmatch"....they don't get "it" yet about possibilties?